Relational Trauma Therapy in Alberta

A note about narcissistic abuse. When I use the term narcissistic abuse, I am not diagnosing another person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). You do not need a diagnosis or a label for someone else to make sense of what you experienced. Instead, we look at the relationship patterns and behaviours you experienced, which may include entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulation, exploitation, grandiosity, blame shifting, control, or difficulty taking responsibility.

These patterns can happen in romantic relationships, family relationships, friendships, and other difficult or high conflict relationships. Sometimes, the hardest part is trying to explain what happened when the relationship looked very different from the outside. You may have been the one left questioning yourself, replaying conversations, or wondering whether you were too sensitive or should have handled things differently.

The focus of therapy is not on proving that someone meets a diagnostic label. It is on you. It is about understanding what you lived through, having your experience heard and taken seriously, and making sense of how the relationship affected you. You deserve a place where you do not have to defend your reality before you are allowed to talk about how much something hurt.

When your feelings have been dismissed, your reality questioned, or your needs repeatedly minimized, it can change the way you see yourself. You may know something was not right, but still find yourself wondering if you were the problem.

You may have found yourself in conversations that went in circles, replaying what was said afterward, second guessing yourself, or trying harder and harder to explain what you meant. You may have walked on eggshells, monitored someone’s mood, or learned to be very careful about what you said because you knew there could be consequences if you got it wrong.

You may have experienced gaslighting, where your memories, perceptions, or understanding of events were repeatedly questioned or reframed. You may have experienced coercive control, where another person’s expectations, reactions, or demands gradually began to shape what you felt able to say, do, or decide. You may also have experienced chronic criticism, blame, intimidation, emotional neglect, or responsibility being shifted onto you.

And yet, there may have been moments of kindness, connection, affection, remorse, or hope. That can make things incredibly confusing. You may have held onto the good moments and wondered whether you were being unfair when things felt painful again. You may still be trying to understand what happened, even long after the relationship has changed or ended.

You may have experienced:

• Emotional invalidation or dismissal of your feelings and needs
• Gaslighting or having your perception of events questioned or reframed
• Coercive control, manipulation, or an ongoing imbalance of power
• Chronic criticism, blame, or conditional acceptance
• Emotional neglect or a lack of responsiveness to your needs
• Responsibility being shifted onto you, leaving you confused or self blaming
• Unpredictable or inconsistent connection that left you feeling emotionally unsafe

None of this means there is something wrong with you. You may have adapted to a relationship that required you to stay alert, explain yourself, keep the peace, or question your own experience.

Over time, these experiences can affect your self trust, your sense of safety, your boundaries, and the way you relate to yourself and others. 

Therapy can give you a place to slow down, make sense of what happened, and begin to hear your own voice again.

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours used to control another person’s choices, freedom, and sense of safety. Over time, it can make someone feel that they have to change what they say, do, or decide to avoid the other person’s anger, criticism, punishment, withdrawal, or other consequences.

In more basic language: It can feel like you are no longer making choices based on what you want.  You are making choices based on what you think will happen if you do not.

Maybe you have started changing your behavior because you know what happens when you do not. You think carefully about how to bring something up. You avoid certain topics. You check the other person’s mood before speaking. You give in because it feels easier than dealing with the reaction. You may feel like you have to explain where you were, who you were with, what you were doing, or why you made a particular choice.

You may find yourself thinking:

• I need to choose my words carefully.
• I better not bring this up right now.
• It is easier to just agree.
• I know how this is going to go if I say no.
• I need to keep them calm.
• Maybe I am being unreasonable.
• I do not want to deal with what happens if I set a boundary.

The other person may use anger, criticism, guilt, threats, withdrawal, intimidation, monitoring, or affection to influence what you do. They may push past your boundaries, question your choices, limit your contact with others, or make you feel responsible for keeping the relationship peaceful. 

You may technically be free to make your own choices, but it may not feel that way because you already know there will be consequences.

This is one way coercive control can show up. It does not always involve one dramatic event, and it may not be obvious to anyone outside the relationship. Sometimes it develops slowly, until you realize how much of your life has become organized around avoiding the other person’s reactions. 

You may not even think of yourself as being controlled. You may just know that you have become quieter, more careful, more anxious, and less free to be yourself.

An antagonistic relationship is one where you regularly feel like you are on opposite sides instead of being on the same team. There may be a pattern of conflict, criticism, opposition, defensiveness, or hostility that makes it difficult to feel understood or work through problems together.

It might look like:

• You bring up something that hurt you, and the conversation quickly becomes an argument about what you did wrong.
• You feel like you have to defend yourself instead of being heard.
• A simple disagreement turns into a debate about who is right.
• You find yourself saying, “That’s not what I meant,” over and over, trying to get the other person to understand.
• You bring up a concern and end up discussing your tone, your reaction, or your past mistakes instead.
• The other person regularly challenges, corrects, criticizes, or contradicts you.
• You feel like the other person is looking for problems in what you say rather than trying to understand you.
• You stop bringing things up because you already know how the conversation will go.
• You feel like you are constantly trying to prove that your feelings or concerns are reasonable.
• You and the other person seem to keep score of who has done what to whom.
• You feel tense before conversations because you are bracing for disagreement, criticism, or conflict.
• You leave conversations feeling drained, misunderstood, frustrated, or like you somehow became the problem.

Over time, you may start choosing your words carefully, avoiding certain topics, or deciding it is easier to say nothing. You may find yourself wondering, “Why does everything have to become a fight?” or “Why can't we just talk about this?” 

An antagonistic relationship does not automatically mean someone is abusive. What matters is the ongoing pattern and what it is like for you to live inside that pattern.

These patterns can come with a real cost. When you have spent a long time navigating criticism, conflict, unpredictability, manipulation, or emotional disconnection, your mind and nervous system may adapt in ways that helped you get through the relationship.

You may notice:

• Overriding your own perceptions to maintain connection or avoid conflict
• Scanning for approval, rejection, or subtle changes in someone’s mood
• Doubting your own feelings, instincts, or judgment and looking to others for reassurance
• People pleasing, fawning, or quickly apologizing to reduce tension
• Overexplaining or overanalyzing because you are afraid of being misunderstood
• Freezing, shutting down, or going blank when emotions become intense
• Replaying conversations and second guessing what was said or meant
• Feeling an urgency to repair the relationship or restore a sense of safety
• Having difficulty saying no or feeling guilty when you set a boundary
• Feeling strongly attached to someone despite repeated hurt, mistreatment, or emotional instability, sometimes described as a trauma bond
• Experiencing anxiety, panic, or strong physical reactions after difficult interactions, with anger sometimes turned inward or surfacing later as overwhelm

These patterns often developed because your mind and nervous system were trying to protect you. They were adaptations, not personal failures.

I want to get to know you as a person, not just what you have been through or what you are struggling with. I want to understand what shaped you, what matters to you, what you have had to carry, and what healing looks like for you.

You do not have to spend our time proving what happened or explaining why it affected you so deeply. Together, we can explore what you experienced and how it may still be showing up in your life today, including self doubt, difficulty trusting yourself, trauma responses, relationship patterns, and ways of coping that developed to help you feel safe.

My work is grounded in a trauma informed, attachment focused approach. We pay attention not only to what happened, but to how those experiences shaped the way you see yourself, relate to others, respond to stress, and move through the world. We also make space for the different parts of you that developed along the way.

• There may be a part of you that questions yourself. 
• A part that tries to keep the peace or prevent conflict. 
• A part that feels responsible for other people’s emotions. 
• A part that stays alert for signs that something is about to go wrong.
• And younger parts that still carry hurt, fear, shame, loneliness, or the longing to finally feel understood and cared for.

These parts are not broken. They developed for a reason. Together, we can begin to understand what they have been trying to protect you from and what they may need now.

Helpful therapy approaches might include EMDR or parts work, depending on what you’re experiencing and what feels right for you. We’ll talk together about what these approaches involve and you’ll have a say in what you feel comfortable trying. Over time, this can help you understand yourself with more compassion, trust your own thoughts and feelings, feel safer within yourself, and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. 

I am a Certified Narcissistic Abuse Clinician through Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s training program, with specialized training in narcissistic abuse.  I also have training and experience in trauma bonds and the complex dynamics that can develop in these relationships.

I have personal experience with narcissistic abuse, trauma, and recovery. I understand how confusing and isolating these experiences can be, and how difficult it can be to explain what happened when you have spent so long questioning yourself. You deserve a place where you can be heard, understood, and taken seriously as you begin to find your way back to yourself.

You do not have to be out of the relationship to begin healing. If you are still in contact with someone who is emotionally harmful, unpredictable, or difficult to navigate, we can work with what you are experiencing right now.

Together, we can explore practical strategies and solutions to stay grounded during contact, protect your emotional well being, and maintain clarity when conversations become confusing or difficult. This may include learning how to recognize old patterns, respond without automatically appeasing or overexplaining, set boundaries, and separate what belongs to you from what belongs to the other person.

If you are hoping to repair or reconcile the relationship, we can also look at whether the other person is willing to participate in that process. Repair requires more than your willingness to change. It requires the other person to be willing to listen, take responsibility for their part, respect your boundaries, and work toward a healthier relationship with you. You can communicate differently and work on your own patterns, but you cannot do the work of repair for both people.

This can be difficult to see when you still love someone and hope things can change. Therapy can give you space to hold that hope while also looking honestly at what is happening, so you can begin to distinguish between what you hope the relationship could become and what the other person is actually willing and able to do.

Healing can mean becoming more settled in yourself, more aware of what you feel and need, and more able to trust your own perceptions even when someone else disagrees with you.